


Scars

by TheReluctantBlue



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brendon can't move on, Dallon has a patience of a saint, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Slow Build, and is pretty much of a dick
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-04
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-05-03 07:57:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5282942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheReluctantBlue/pseuds/TheReluctantBlue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Hah. You want to quit? Be my guest. You're planning to "embark on a musical excursion" of your own then? Is that it?"</p><p>"No. It's just that... In your eyes, Brendon... no one can compare <i>them</i> and no one can compare Ryan Ross."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"You're leaving?"

Brendon asked the question that usually breaks his heart.

When he dreamed of starting a band, he believed that they would be on that concert stage together. Complete and strong through obstacles and problems.

He didn't ask for people to leave him. They just did. The thing that breaks Brendon's heart is that he can't make them stay and that he never made them stay.

Spencer sighs deeply. Brendon can see that this is hard for him too. He looks defeated, tired, miserable. He knows Spencer's problem and he knows that the only one who can help him is himself. If only he was mature enough. If only  _they_ were mature enough, then probably they could have done something about it. He could have helped Spencer before it was too late.

He saw Spencer breaking and he didn't even do anything.

"It's not your fault, Brendon." Spencer says firmly.

Brendon was about to protest but he knows better than to argue about it. He knows better than to argue against  _Spencer._

"What should I do now?" Brendon asks with feel of loss and confusion on what to do.

Spencer stood from his seat, he wraps an arm on Brendon's shoulder and gives him a one armed hug. Spencer is like a brother to him. He's always been the most mature out of all the original members of  _Panic!_ and is usually the one who gives him advice when he has problems. Now that Spencer is the one that has problems, the most mature thing that Brendon can offer him is his space.

Spencer releases him from the hug and puts a hand on his shoulder. He tries to give his best encouraging smile even if Brendon knows it's just forced.

"Just because I'm leaving doesn't mean you can't talk to me when you need advice. I'll help you find someone who can play for me, idiot." Spencer tries to make it sound playful and ruffles Brendon's head.

"And besides, you're not alone. Dallon's still with you. He's been with us for years so he knows his way. You'll be fine." Spencer sounds sure about his statement and Brendon knows Spencer enough to trust him on his word.

Dallon is good at what he does. Even if he and Dallon didn't exactly had a great start and a good first impression on each other. He remembers how Dallon went to audition, lanky and beautiful blue-eyed boy Dallon, having no idea about the chords on the songs he was suppose to play for  _Panic!_ He remembers berating him about it and sent him home until he memorized the chords.

He knows he's quite of an asshole. But in the music scene, it's a weakness to show kindness. He learned from that. But at what cost?

The people you care about.

 

_Dallon and Spencer are talking. Brendon plays with his phone, he tries to remain ignorant but he can't help but stare at them and wonder what the hell they're talking about. Dallon and Spencer are pretty chill around each other. Brendon doesn't see them talk often but they probably do and he just doesn't notice._

_Brendon notices the grim expression on Spencer's face. Whatever they're talking about, it must be serious. He decides to look away and ask about it later._

_Minutes later, he felt the couch dip beside him. He grins as Spencer lies on the other side of the couch and put his feet on Brendon's lap._

_"Your feet stinks, Spence" Brendon teases and laughs when Spencer pokes his toe on his side, where he knows it's ticklish._

_They both stay like that, appreciating the comfortable silence that surrounds them. Brendon sort of misses these moments back when they were complete. Back when Ry-- No._

_"I asked Dallon for help on Babysitting." Spencer spoke suddenly, his gaze never leaving_ _the ceiling._

_Now, that's odd because he doesn't remember Spencer knowing any kids. He doesn't have a niece or nephew. He sure as hell doesn't have children. Maybe the kid was from his distant relative or something. Or probably from a neighbor._

_"Who's the kid?" Brendon shifts from his seat, he lifts Spencer's legs to get a more comfortable position to clearly see Spencer's expression._

_Strangely, Spencer looks amused at the question. An almost inaudible chuckle leaves his mouth and Brendon had to furrow his eyebrows at confusion as to what Spencer is laughing about._

_"There's just... this kid I want Dallon to take care of. He's important to me. The kid is kinda wild, childish and kind dumb sometimes. I need someone to keep this kid in line while I'm gone." Spencer says amusedly, a small smile appearing on his face. He's probably thinking about that 'kid'._

_"Uh huh. So, why Dallon? You could just hire someone."_

_Spencer hums in wonder and Brendon just waits for him to answer. Not that Dallon isn't responsible enough. Brendon knows he is. But Dallon wasn't in the band for that long to have gained Spencer's trust of taking care of someone important to him. And Dallon's on tour with them right now. He's not some Mary Poppins who can do two of those things at once._

_"Dallon's a nice man. I feel like he understands things better. And I feel like he can keep the kid in line._ _Is there more to ask for?" Spencer says as he lifts himself up on his elbows to look at Brendon in the eyes. He raises an eyebrow as if challenging Brendon to argue about that._

_Brendon laughs and pushes Spencer's feet off his lap. He stood from the couch and stretched, the joints on his bone make a crack as he straightens himself._

_"Okay, if that's how you see him, then I can't complain about that."_

_As Brendon walks to the door, he can't help but think that Spencer is right. Dallon's nice, polite, smart, and he's responsible. If there's anyone who can keep someone in line, it's people like Dallon. And maybe... people like Dallon can keep **him** in line. They can keep him from falling._

_He reaches the door knob and opens the door. But before he can close the door behind him, Spencer spoke._

_"I asked him and he promised me, you know? He'll take care of the kid. And... I believe him." Spencer says, his back against Brendon as he lies in the couch. He sounds like he's about to fall asleep._

_"Why?" Brendon can't help but ask._

_Spencer didn't respond. And Brendon guessed he was asleep until he speaks again._

_"Because his eyes tell me that he truly cares for the kid, too."_

 

Spencer leaving the band makes Brendon stressed. There's no major problem though. They're pretty much complete in band members. Kenneth on guitars, Dallon on bass and Dan, the guy Spencer suggested, is on drums. 

The problem is that he has to get used to them. Because these guys are not like  _them._ If they want to stay in this band, they need to catch up.

"Try again, guys." He says, not hiding the frustration in his voice. 

They continue practice for the next hour until Brendon finishes the session to continue again tomorrow. They all finish with the feeling of tiredness, their bodies drenched in sweat in the small room they practice in. Brendon pulls one of the chairs towards him and sits down.

"Dallon, do you have some lyrics to add?" Brendon calls Dallon's attention, who was in the process of tuning is bass. Dallon looks at him and smiles. It gets on Brendon's nerves sometimes. He doesn't remember doing anything for him to get that smile.

Dallon gives him a piece of crumpled paper from his pocket. Brendon opens the paper that reads ' _These words are knives and often leave scars'._

The lyrics leave a sting on Brendon's heart. He can't remember how many times words had left scars in his heart. The words of goodbye, the words of contempt against his sexuality, words of promises that were never fulfilled. How many scars has it been?

"Brendon?" Dallon calls for him with gentleness. As if he's careful not to scare him away. 

"Y-yeah. Mind if we change something a bit and add a few lyrics?"

Dallon nods, never asking 'what's wrong' and not complaining at the idea of changing his lyrics for a bit.

Sometimes, Brendon thinks Dallon knows what he's thinking about. He'd just look at Brendon with those beautiful blue eyes as if he tries to find the solution to Brendon's problems. He looks out for Brendon like he's about to catch him when he's about to falls.

It truly unnerves him.

"You're welcome, Brendon." Dallon chuckles and ruffles his head as if he's a child. Brendon couldn't get angry at that, honestly. He and Dallon had a fair share of banter over the years. And while people consider Brendon as quite of a snarker, then they don't know Dallon.

"Asshole." Brendon says without malice. He swats Dallon's hand from his hair and gives him a playful glare.

Dallon's expression turns solemn. He puts a hand on Brendon's shoulder and gives a squeeze. 

"I'm sorry if we're not that good yet."

Brendon suddenly feels guilty. They were trying. And so far, they've made a good progress. They've done a great job.

But he doesn't say that out loud. Instead he says:

"Then try better next time." He says rather harshly than he was supposed to.

Dallon lets go of his shoulder and backs away. He stares at Brendon levelly. Brendon thought he might have seen a flicker of hurt on Dallon's eyes but he turned away from him before he could even see it properly.

"Yes, sir." Dallon says flatly as he went for the door and left the room.

Brendon looks at Dallon's lyric again, the words written were steady and bold. Brendon was good at this. He was good at hurting people's feelings through his words. His tongue is the knife that wounds people. And most of the people he hurt never stayed.

Brendon wondered how many words had scarred Dallon's heart.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic addresses Brendon's a-hole-ish tendencies. Come on, guys. Let's be real. You know Brendon is quite a dick in real life. (but he can be good too but that not the problem here. If I offended you in some way then I'm sorry.)
> 
> I'll be honest, I lack knowledge of Panic!s history and some of the band members. But this took reading from sources and the wiki to have some background. I know nothing about Ryan Ross, or what he's like by personality. But I have a feeling he isn't as terrible as people depict him out to be.
> 
> In short this fic is "Go get a grip Brendon and get down from that fcuking high horse ego of yours, let go of the past and appreciate the people around you"
> 
> Enjoy and have a nice day!


	2. Chapter 2

"Where the fuck is Dallon!?"

Brendon was getting impatient. They've been waiting for Dallon at the hotel lobby for the last hour and he's not here yet.

Kenneth puts a hand on Brendon's shoulder to calm him down. "Chill, man. Dallon said he had an emergency and he was in a hurry so..."

"The fuck I care. We have a concert to perform tomorrow! We can't let the people down just because of his emergency!" Brendon snaps and he knows he's being a jerk. But his anxiety can't stop nagging in his brain. He needs to be sure that tomorrow will go well. He doesn't want to screw it up.

"Okay, Bren. Just, calm down. I'll call him again. Maybe he's on his way." Kenneth assures him. He speed dials Dallon's number.

Brendon's been harsh on them these days. There are a lot more practices than there should be this year and it's probably not good for all of them. But with more tours being added to their list, they have to level up and satisfy these people watching them.

"Bren, Dallon's on the line. Talk to him." Kenneth offers him the phone.

Brendon puts the phone in his ear. He hears people talking in the background. He hears Dallon among them, talking to a woman. He hears the words _medicine_ and  _mother_. The nurse must be pretty, showing herself to Dallon. Brendon's not sure why he thought of that, but the idea made his blood boil.

 _"Brendon? Hello? I'm sorry I'm not there yet. My Mom has hypertension and the nurse said--"_ Dallon rambles through the phone and Brendon just lost his patience.

"Fuck you, Dallon. Don't bother coming to practice." Brendon cuts him off and drops the call. Kenneth looks at him in surprise but he doesn't care. He shoves the phone in Kenneth's hand.

"We continue without him. Call Dan." Brendon says flatly. Kenneth calls for him but he ignores it. It was enough for people to stare at his direction but he just doesn't care. He walks pass the those stares in a brisk pace. Each step of his foot making a thump as he walks to the hallway. He doesn't know where he's going but he just wants get away.

He reached a garden, and fortunately, no one was there. He needed the silence. For all the cacophonous noise of the city to the thousands of people who scream for their names, Brendon needed a piece of himself.

Brendon checked his pockets and got his packet of cigarettes. He lit one of them and inhaled the smoke. Smoking calms his nerves. It makes his thoughts more better as he exhales the smoke through his mouth.

Brendon Urie used to be hopeful at a lot of things. He gets excited with anything new. But with years of traveling the world, meeting new people, money, and fame... He feels like he's seen everything. It's like the magic is gone.

But he enjoyed it. He enjoyed the success that their band achieved over the years. But the success had a few losses. And the 'few' were the important ones. 

That probably explains why he feels empty.

Brendon takes another drag of smoke and looks at the sky. Blue. It reminds him of Dallon.

He's been harsh on his band mates, but he knows he's been really extra harsh on Dallon. There's just something about Dallon that he can't explain. Maybe it's the way he looks at Brendon with concern, the way he looks out for Brendon when he thought he doesn't notice.

Or how Dallon keeps staying even when Brendon did nothing but berate him.

Who knows how long his patience can last? Brendon doesn't apologize. Dallon never complains, he never leaves. And Brendon knows one thing:

He plans to make it stay that way.

 

_"We're Panic! At The Disco. Thank you and goodnight!"_

_It was an end of another successful concert. The tickets were sold out for the venue and the crowd was amazing. These are the type of concerts that Brendon first fell in love with._

_He felt powerful from the exhilarating experience and Brendon's sure that the crowd felt it too._

_Brendon looks at his band mates. Spencer, Jon, and Ryan cheering and hugging. His heart swells to see that joy. Their success._

_He rushes to their side and they have a group hug. They laugh, they jump for joy, they cherish the moment._

_And Brendon is in love with everything about it. He hopes it never ends._

 

Brendon didn't mean to eavesdrop on someone's conversation.

Dallon and Dan are talking in hushed voices. But he can hear some snippets of their conversation. They don't know he's in the room with them. He shouldn't be listening. As much as Brendon wants to ignore it, there's always something important in there whenever Dallon is having a serious discussion with someone.

"You don't deserve that shit, man. You can't let him do this to you." Dan says rather loudly. There's frustration in his voice.

Brendon already knows they're talking about him.

Honestly, Brendon wouldn't blame Dallon if he talked shit behind his back. He's received thousands of hate from people. He's sure he could take one from him. 

He'd be lying if he said it wouldn't hurt. Especially since this is from  _Dallon_ we're talking about.

"It's okay." Dallon says meekly. And Brendon felt hurt for Dallon. The way Dallon said those words feel like he's used it often. It's like he was so used for people hurting him. 

"Bullshit. How do you still keep up with him? Ken and I see how he's treating you. Just what do you see in that kid?" The frustration in Dan's voice is becoming palpable at every word.

 _'A heartless, shell of a monster? A broken human being?'_ Brendon thought.

But none of Brendon's thoughts were right, and Dallon is the most unpredictable person that he has ever met. Because Dallon sees in him the one thing that he thought he had already lost.

"Hope."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so passionate about writing this fic. ;w;
> 
> I was thinking of adding some flash backs about Ryan. Unfortunately, as I've said before, I do not know anything about Ryan Ross and what he's like. If someone out there can educate me, my name is xaychi on tumblr. I would gladly listen for some history of P!ATD. ;D
> 
> (Mistakes are on me. Sorry about that. I hope you like this chapter. Have a great day.)
> 
> EDIT: Not that it matters though but I've been listening to The Brobecks and I'm falling in love with Dallon more and more after every song in his album. *cries*


	3. Chapter 3

_"Wow. He's good."_

_Spencer recently found out that Dallon is good at drawing. Spencer was highly impressed that he showed the artwork to Brendon. And yes, Brendon thinks it's amazing._

_With all the songs for their new album **Vices & Virtues** created, they just need a cover album for the finishing touch. Brendon and Spencer have been brainstorming all day to come up with an idea but all of their ideas have been unsuccessful so far._

_"What if Dallon has an idea, Bren?" Spencer suggested._

_Brendon never did thought about asking for his help. Even when he and Spencer already established that he's part of the band, he's still getting used to him. But it's not like he has a choice._

_"Are you okay with him helping?" Brendon asked._

_Spencer furrows his eyebrows at him. The question did sound a little off so he can't blame the look on Spencer's face._

_"Of course I am. He's part of the band. Are_ you  _okay with him helping?"_

_Brendon's not so sure to be honest. He and Spencer have this thing when it comes to ideas. He doesn't openly share them to others unless they're not band mates. Dallon is new. And while Brendon knows Dallon isn't that bad, he is still doubtful about the idea._

_"Y-yeah. It's just that... What if he doesn't get what we're looking for?"_

_Spencer gladly doesn't point out how his trust issues are making him an ass again. He knows Spencer gets his point. And while Spencer is open in sharing and accepting other's ideas, Brendon is rather selfish at keeping his unless he can trust them with it._

_Spencer looks at him firmly and sigh. "Then he doesn't. That's it. We all have different ideas, Bren. And while I get most of your ideas, doesn't mean I agree with some of them. That goes the same for Dallon. You're going to have to get used to him, whether you like it or not. If you like his ideas, good. If not, then that's okay."_

 

"Hey, Dallon. I need you. We have an interview tomorrow. You available?"

Brendon was called by the people from Alternative Press this morning for an interview about their new album. This is the first interview where Spencer isn't there. And this is probably the first interview for Dallon as an official member. 

Brendon hears muffled coughing at the other end of the line and then some sniffling. That's not a good sound.

 _"Uh. Yeah. I'm good. What time?"_ Dallon says rather nasally and Brendon just doesn't want to deal with a sick Dallon right now. Not when the sickness could get worse for him. He knows Dallon gets really bad colds during these months.

"Dal, you're sick. I'll just go with Kenny or something." Brendon insist.

The coughing gets louder and Brendon had to wince and lean the phone away from his ear. He just feels guilty for overworking the guy. 

 _"Y'sure?"_  Dallon sniffs for a bit and asks him just to be sure. Brendon is very sure he needs the rest. 

"Yeah, I'm sure, dummy. Now sleep and get better." Brendon says rather affectionately and he's not sure why he said it that way. Maybe because he imagined Dallon snuggled up in blankets, while he watches that show he keeps babbling about. It was _Doctor What_ something...

He was sure he heard the smile in Dallon's voice when he said  _"Thank you, Bren."_ He's not sure why but he felt something warm and familiar in his chest when Dallon thanked him. Maybe it was the way he said it, as if that's the kindest thing anyone has ever done for him.

Dallon has made him feel things that he's not sure about.

 

_"Bullshit. How do you still keep up with him? Ken and I see how he's treating you. Just what do you see in that kid?"_

_"Hope."_

_"Hope? I think you mean hopeless."_

_Brendon's heart was still thudding from his chest. He could understand Dan's anger with him. But he doesn't understand why Dallon still believes in him, why he sees 'hope' in Brendon._

_He heard a light chuckle from Dallon, it wasn't mirthless. It's like he's actually fond_ _._

_"That kid is something else, Dan. I know him before you and Kenny did. I see him on that concert stage, his eyes just shine with vigor while he sings with the crowd. He performs to express himself and to help people express themselves too. If that kid can bring life to that crowd, then doesn't that sound like hope to you?" Dallon says fervently, as if it was the biggest truth of universe._

_While some questions can be answered and some mysteries can be solved..._

_Brendon will never understand Dallon Weekes._

 

A ring from his phone wakes him up from his nap. Brendon grumbles as he blindly searches his phone by the stand table. He answers groggily as he puts the phone by his ear.

"'Ello?"

 _"Hey, you asleep? It's 12 pm, dumbass."_ A familiarly amused voice talks in his ear and Brendon just sits up upon hearing that voice.

"Spence! Dude, how are you?" Since when has it been since he last heard from Spencer? He misses him.

 _"I'm fine. More importantly, how are **you**  doing? I watched you on your interview with AltPress. You seem to be doing well."_ Spencer sounds happy. Maybe the break was good for him. He sounds like all the heavy weight in his chest disappeared and Brendon is relieved to know that his friend is in good spirits.

"Yeah. Fans are excited for the new album though. They miss you a lot." He says fondly.

Spencer chuckles from the other line. Brendon can just imagine the grin on his face.

_"I miss them too."_

Though things are different with Spencer away, it's not so bad. Maybe learning to accept change isn't so bad, too. Nothing wrong has happened so far and Brendon would prefer it that way.

_"So, how's your bassist?"_

Brendon blinks at that. Is there something he should know about? 

"Dallon?" 

 _"No, me. Of course it's Dallon. How's he doing for you?"_ Spencer asked dryly. Sounds like he's demanding for an answer and all that Brendon could think about as to why he suddenly became concerned for Dallon.

"Uh, he's doing good. If you're asking about his health, well, he's pretty sick right now." Brendon says but he's honestly still confused about the whole thing. He would have figured he'd be asking about Dan since Spencer suggested him. But Dallon?

He hears a thoughtful hum from Spencer. _"But he's a good guy, right?"_

He doesn't know why he keeps asking about Dallon. The silent, tall guy who can draw amazingly, that lanky dork who likes stupid sci-fi shows, that guy who can really play that bass well in his own way, that beautiful blue-eyed guy who did nothing but believe in him...

"Yeah. He's good. He's a really good guy." he says, a small smile appearing on his lips and Brendon knows it's nothing but the truth.

 _"When was I ever wrong?"_ Spencer says teasingly. A light laugh escapes his lips at his friend's words. Brendon will never get tired of their banter.

 _"...Hey, Bren? I saw_ him  _today."_

Brendon didn't need to ask who it was. He's not even suppose to care. He never made anyone leave.  _They_ left.  _They_ left him and Spencer.

Brendon grips on the phone tightly in his hand as if he wants to break it. "Should I care?" The anger becoming palpable in Brendon's response.

_"Brendon... They still ask me about you--"_

"No, Spencer. Do we really need to talk about this?" He cuts off Spencer's words. Brendon would prefer to never have this discussion again. He doesn't need them. He'll do fine without them.

He heard a sigh on the other line, and he knows Spencer is tired of his shit. But he can't help it. Not when it still hurts. Not when he knows people will just keep leaving him. He has to act like he doesn't care so that they won't think he's weak.

Even if he hurts others in return.

_"...Yeah. I get it. I need to go. Take care, okay? If you need anyone to talk to, I'm just a phone call away."_

"Yeah." 

Before Brendon can drop the call, Spencer speaks again and calls out for him.

"What's wrong, Spence?"

_"You know you can trust Dallon, right? Not just Dallon, but your band mates too. If you have any problems, I know they can help you too if you give them a chance."_

Spencer drops the call after a "good bye" and Brendon suddenly feels tired again. He flops down on the bed and stares at the ceiling. He doesn't know what to feel about the call. Anger? Confusion? Frustration?

He knows Spencer means well. But the topic about _him_  just makes him feel odd. That's why he never puts his heart along with his job. There are just many sharks out there in his career that are just waiting for him to slip. He doesn't need that weakness. He doesn't need  _them._

**_"You know you can trust Dallon, right?"_ **

He doesn't need  _anyone._

 

_"Brendon, you gotta check this out."_

_Brendon puts down his phone and sees Spencer gesturing him to come closer at his side. He sees Dallon with him by the table. It seems like he's sketching something._

_Spencer wraps an arm around Brendon's shoulder and whispers on his ear. "You definitely need to see this."_

_The concentration in Dallon's eyes as he sketch is something he's never seen before from the newcomer. His hand is fast as he makes the outline of the sketch. Each stroke is clean and precise, as if he's been doing it for years. Judging by the artwork that Spencer showed him before, it already speaks with years of experience._

_Dallon blows off the eraser's dust. He wipes off the excess dust on the sketch pad._

_"Here. What do you think?"_

_Brendon can actually see where Dallon is going on with this. And he thinks it's absolutely perfect. It has that 18th Century feeling in to it._

_"You're looking pretty pimp here, Spencer." Brendon teases as he noticed that lavish fur coat and top hat that Spencer is wearing at Dallon's drawing._

_"Shut up, asshole. Dallon, don't mind him. This is perfect." Spencer insists and Brendon laughs. He can just imagine Spencer wearing those clothes._

_"This guy in the mask..." Brendon mentions as he points at the figure wearing a creepy goat-looking mask behind his and Spencer's figures. "...Is that you, Dallon?"_

_Dallon explains that the masked man is like a messenger or something and the concept of it is creative. It's like he made a story just from sketching the cover art._

_"This idea is great. Thanks a lot, Dallon." Spencer says for the both of them and Brendon realizes he has a lot to learn, because he never would have thought of that idea. Everyone has a unique way of expressing their ideas and he definitely needed more than one functioning brain for that._

_"You're welcome." Dallon beams and smiles at them warmly. And Brendon may have felt that warmth flutter on his chest._

_When was the last time he felt like that?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case someone forgot, (or didn't know), Dallon was the one who conceptualized the cover art of Vices & Virtues, which is in Dallon's deviant art:  
> http://djjazzyweekes.deviantart.com/art/Panic-Album-Cover-Concept-227170791
> 
> I should reaaaaaally be making my other fics but I truly enjoy writing this one. It's a challenge for me to balance Brendon's a-hole tendencies and the not a-hole tendencies. This isn't that good but I tried xD
> 
> Sorry for the mistakes!! I hope you guys like this chapter? Have a nice day! :)


	4. Chapter 4

_"Y-You kissed me."_

_Drinking a few cans of beer isn't enough to make him intoxicated, even if his head feels like crap, so when he heard Dallon speak, he could have misheard his words, but the tone of his voice sounds anxious._

_If Brendon was honest with himself, he'd say that he doesn't like seeing that look on Dallon's face. He looks horrified, and probably disgusted too, by the way he flinched away when Brendon gave him a pat on the shoulder after the concert. He's disgusted at Brendon, and that fact shouldn't make his stomach churn._

_"What's your problem, Dallon? Too chicken to be a little dirty with the audience? Is it because it's a sin? Is that it?" Brendon challenges, a little smirk forms in his lips. So Dallon's a mormon. He learned about that from Spencer a week ago, and he didn't even bother asking how he knew. But he would not let that get in the way of their job. At the corner of his eye, he can feel Spencer's heated gaze, but that doesn't exactly stop him when he walks closer to Dallon's space._

_He can see Dallon's eyes widen with uncertainty, and probably fear on what he's about to do as he reaches Dallon._

_He pulls Dallon down by his level, his hand is on the back of Dallon's head. Dallon's misty blue-grays are meeting his brown eyes, their breaths, inches away from each other. "You do know it's for the audience, right? It's your job to entertain them, and if you can't handle a little gay in there, then you don't have a job here. Got it?"_

_Brendon leans Dallon closer to him, the hand behind Dallon's head slips down to the side of his cheek. His thumb feeling the prominent cheekbones. Brendon's eyes gazing the plump of his pink lips. He remembers to chapped, softness of those lips. He remembers the taste of mint on those lips. He noticed the tremble on his lips, Dallon's mouth whispering the words 'don't' as the tip of their noses touch._

_Brendon dips down to the side of his neck, he can hear the sound of Dallon's unsteady breathing as he smells his scent. It was strong, but calming. It was like the scent of fresh rain. He breathes in the scent deeper, as if to remember that scent. He can hear Dallon's whimper as he licks the side of his neck, then by the throat. A smile begins to form in his face as he pulls Dallon down and leans closer to whisper on his ear._

_"You actually want this, don't you? Maybe you're not such a good boy after all." Brendon breathes, licking the lobe of Dallon's ear._

_"BRENDON!"_

_He can feel himself be pulled away from Dallon. A hand grips his shoulder tightly. Brendon had to wince at how painful he was being held._

_"Brendon, you're drunk. Stop that." Spencer's voice was authoritative and cold as he shrugs off the hand on his shoulder._

_"I'm not drunk, Spence." Brendon mutters. He's not drunk, he had a few drinks with Zack after the concert, and then a few more with the crew. But it's not enough to make him drunk. Not enough. Not enough to make the feelings go away._

_He heard Spencer saying something but it was incoherent. His_ _head is starting to feel woozy. He felt a pair of hands guiding him as he felt himself be seated on the couch. His shoes and jacket were being taken off. He flops down on the couch, his head lying on a pillow that was conveniently there. He feels his eyes starting to close as he hears voices above him, he hears Dallon right above him but he couldn't make out the words that he was saying. A hand ruffles his hair when he closed his eyes. It feels nice._

 _He felt something was draped over him as he starts to fall asleep. He can feel the heat radiating from it as he snuggles closer. It smells comforting. It smells clean, like rain, like..._ Dallon. _He wants to memorize that smell. He wants to remember it while it's still there and bask at the comfort that it provides._

_Dallon didn't push him away when he draped himself over him. He fucked that up real bad and he wouldn't be surprised if Dallon starts to avoid him. He wishes Dallon wasn't that nice sometimes because he doesn't need it, he doesn't deserve it. But he takes advantage of that kindness while he can have it._

_Because Brendon doesn't know if he can feel it again._

 

The first day of the concert was done that day for Chicago, along with a dozen of interviews. He feels exhausted.  _Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die_ was successful so far. The making of this album is pretty intimate for him. It's difficult for him to explain to the people the importance of the lyrics when he knows they won't get it.

"Yo, Brendon, you here?" He heard the doorbell as Zack's voice calls out from outside his hotel room.

"Yeah, man. Come in."

Brendon unlocks the door and lets Zack enter the room. He sits down on one of the chairs. He looks tired. That's reasonable. He's been doing his job for 24 hours straight.

"What's up, Zack?" 

He looks serious. It's not the type of expression he'd see in Zack often. 

"Dude, you gotta check this out." Zack gives him his phone. The phone was open on someone's twitter account, the tweet saying how that person is currently in Chicago. The tweet was from  _Jon Walker,_ updated just 3 minutes ago. There are comments on his tweet about Brendon being in the same city but Jon remains silent of that fact.

If Jon is here, He--  _Ryan,_ is here. Brendon doesn't know how to react about that. He doesn't care. He's not suppose to care. They left him. They left the band. He doesn't want anything from them.

Brendon returns the phone to Zack. Zack gives him an expectant look, waiting for his reaction. But he stays silent. 

Brendon retrieves his pack of cigarettes and leaves the room without a word to Zack. He walks in a slow pace, going to the hotel's garden for a smoke. A bellboy greets him on the way with a smile but he feels numb. He doesn't feel like returning that smile. He feels nothing.

He takes a seat in one of the benches once he made it to the garden. It was cold that night but it doesn't matter. He lits one of the cigarettes and inhales its smoke. The smoke twirls in an intricate way as he exhales. The thoughts that are nagging in his mind seem to calm down but he knows he can't escape it forever.

"Brendon?" A familiar voice called out.

Brendon doesn't need to look up to know who called his attention. That tone of voice isn't hard to forget when you get used to it.

Dallon sat beside him. He can feel the glances that Dallon had been sending him but he doesn't speak, he doesn't ask questions.That's what he likes about Dallon. He understands when he needs silence, he understands when needs privacy. He just... understands. He just sits by Brendon's side, a comfortable silence surrounding the both of them.

They sit like that for a while. Brendon takes a glance at Dallon, his posture is relaxed as he leans on the bench, his eyes looking up at the sky. The stars are surprisingly bright tonight despite the light pollution from the city, and he can get Dallon's fascination with sci-fi stuff sometimes. It's just never for him, though. People like different things. He learned that a long time ago.

"Why are you here?" Brendon asks after finishing his fifth cigarette. He looks at Dallon to see his eyes closed. By the way he breathes, he's not sleeping. He's probably just breathing in the fresh air of the cold night.

Dallon gives a low hum. His eyes are remained closed as he crosses his arm around himself. 

"It's beautiful at night. I do this when I can. You know, to make the most of it." Dallon says quietly, Brendon can see his breath in the coldness of the night, but he doesn't really feel cold. He wonders if it will snow tonight.

"Make the most of what? This world is pretty fucked up to make the most out of it." Brendon scoffs. Brendon knows he made the most out of his life. He had a successful career, he has money, he has done the things most people have yet to experience.

But why does it feel like there's still missing?

He looks at Dallon and meets his gaze. His bluish-grays look more intense at night. His gaze was unreadable, and Brendon feels unnerved when Dallon looks at him that way. It's like he sees everything that Brendon has tried so hard to hide. 

"This is pretty common, Brendon. I'm sure you heard of this lots of times." Dallon says as he returns his gaze to the sky. "When people say 'make the most of it', I don't think it means be famous, be rich, win a world record or be the most powerful person in the world. Making the most of something is by cherishing what you already have and what's around you. Your family, friends, your pet, the trees, the sea, the earth, the sun, the moon, the stars, or the universe. Cherish the ones that you believe will stay with you till the end of your days."

Dallon looks at Brendon's eyes again. This time, he gives Brendon a soft gaze. "And to do that, Forgive. Forgive others, most importantly, forgive yourself. Leave that burden behind you and maybe you can see the world differently if you give yourself a chance."

He gives Brendon a sheepish smile, his cheeks are pink, probably from the cold or maybe something else. 

It's probably because of the cold wind, but he felt a shiver down his spine as Dallon gave him that smile. With the first drop of snow that night, he felt like his breath was taken away.

It would probably take time before he sees the world differently, but at that moment, in the quiet, cold night in a garden, with the small flakes of snow falling upon their heads. The final piece of the wall within him has been broken down...

And Brendon knows how he sees Dallon right now.

 

_"What do you mean you're leaving the band?"_

_Brendon has noticed how Ryan and Spencer are talking these days. It's like there's a secret that he doesn't need to know about. He didn't mean to hear them talking. But he also didn't want their band to go this way._

_Ryan and Spencer looked at each other with guilt for having to hide the truth from Brendon._

_"Brendon... Look--"_

_"This is a joke, right? Yeah. A fucking joke. It's not funny, guys." Brendon wants to believe it's a joke. They had this band together for years.They can't... They just can't--!_

_"Brendon. Please understand. We have our own differences. You know that most of the time, we don't agree on how we want to make music. Jon and I, we want to pursue something different--"_

" _You know what, fine. Go and leave. See if I care."_

_He heard Ryan calling for him but he can't bear to stay there. He rushes off the room and went back to his own. He slammed the door shut behind him and locked the door. He plopped down on his bed, his head buried under the pillows. He shouts on the pillow out of frustration._

_They were doing so well. What had he done wrong? What was he missing? What were **they** missing? He thought what they had was enough. They were going to make it big._

_But when has Brendon ever been enough for anybody?_

 

It was their last day in Chicago, and Brendon knows he'll miss this place just like all the other places they've went on tour. The thing about Chicago, that is, is that he'll be carrying something important from this city. An important memory.

Brendon looks at the crowd as he performs his final song of the night. The crowd has been nothing but a bundle of energy. Their cheers intensifies the feelings that he has at that moment. He feels powerful and alive. 

 _"Make the most of it."_ Brendon remembers the words from that night, clear in head. His gaze turns to Kenneth and Dan, who play with utmost passion, and they've done so on every tour. He just didn't acknowledge soon enough that the band he has right now are amazing. 

His gaze now turns to Dallon. He plays in concentration but also does his best to enjoy his performance with the fans.

He makes a move towards Dallon, the cheer intensifies as he closes in Dallon's space. What he did wasn't that intimate for the fans. He just leans his head in Dallon's shoulder, an arm wrapped around the small of his back. It was silly because Dallon was  _definitely taller._

Brendon could hear some people in the crowd cooing at them. He gives them a treat when he pulls Dallon lower and kisses his cheek. The crowd cheers louder. He looks at Dallon, who doesn't even look disgusted just like the first time. He's _laughing._  It was a beautiful, hearty laughand Brendon feels something warm swelling in his chest at the sight.

"Chicago! We are _Panic! At The Disco_! Thank you and good night! _"_

The audience gives a loud applause as they gave each other hugs from the success of their night. He gives Dan, Kenny, and Dallon an embrace. He always felt this exhilaration after every concert. But Brendon would admit that this was extra special. That was the feeling of how he first fell in love with performing.

"You look happy. Did you get laid last night?" Zack asked the moment they went back from stage. At the corner of his eye, he can see Dallon raise an eyebrow at their direction. He definitely heard Zack, but hey. Dallon did say to make the most of it, right?

He gave Dallon a mischievous look before giving Zack a devious grin. "Oh, it was _more_ than that, right, Dallon?" 

Dallon glares at him. He curses under his breath and flips him off before he walks away. Brendon can't hide his laugh anymore, and it was loud enough for everyone in the crew to hear. He hears Dallon shouting ' _asshole'_  affectionately before he left.

"Dude. Are you and Dallon..." Zack says carefully as he gave Brendon a confused look.

Brendon shook his head, a little laugh escapes his lips as he gives Zack a pat on the shoulder.

"What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom, Zack." He gives Zack a wink and Brendon swears Zack looks like he's gonna faint. Almost everyone in the crew, along with Dan and Kenny laugh at Zack's expression.

Brendon skillfully evaded Zack's punch as he laughs his way to the dressing room. It's been a long time since he had real fun. He still had fun in ways, like going to the bar with friends, hanging out... But it felt like a routine. 

 _This_... the banter, the jokes, the encouragement... _This_ was something he received often but he didn't put mind to it. He didn't value these moments like he should have. He probably wasted those times he had with Spencer and the others.

He wants to make up for that.

Brendon walks to the dressing room, those euphoric feelings are still there as he made his way. As he turns the corner, he sees Dallon talking to someone outside of the room. He can't exactly see the other person Dallon's talking to since his back is facing Brendon's direction. And the person he's speaking must be short, compared to Dallon's tall frame.

He walks his way behind Dallon in slow steps, so that he doesn't disturb their discussion. He plans to make his way inside the room without being noticed but Dallon turns around and sees him. The expression is Dallon's face looks stricken at the sight of him.

"What's wrong, Dal?"

Dallon was about to speak when the person behind him made an appearance. He didn't recognize the person at first, but when he sees the glint of recognition from the other person's eyes, he realizes who the person is.

"Brendon."

"... _Ryan?_ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a bit long. I was writing the continuation of my other fics. Anyway, sorry for the mistakes and I hope you like this chapter.
> 
> I don't have Christmas but I wish you guys Merry Holidays~ I hope you have a good one!


	5. Chapter 5

_"Brendon. Brendon, stop it."_

_No. **Crash**. No. **Crash**. No. **Crash**._

_The broken shards of ceramic on the floor shine against the lighting of the room. He steps on them, never caring if he gets injured. He takes table clock in his hands... **CRASH**. He lifts a wooden chair and brings it down... **CRASH**. He takes anything his hand could bring destruction upon. Just like what he did to the people he cares about. Just like what the he did to the people that are important._

_"Brendon. Drop that right **NOW**." Spencer orders, as Brendon held a guitar. His hand clenches hard against it._

_This guitar was his. It was Ryan's. The letters R.R. written behind it. It was a brown guitar. It only reminded him of Ryan's youthful eyes that captivated him. He hates it. He hates it._

_But he couldn't hate that him. No matter what._

_Pathetic, isn't it?_

_"You're not pathetic, Brendon. It's not your fault. Not every wrong damn thing happening is your fault, okay?" Spencer says, as he takes the guitar from Brendon's hands and embraces him._

_"We'll be okay, Brendon. You'll be okay. You'll be okay." Spencer sends him words of encouragement. But Brendon doesn't believe it. Not today._

_But maybe one day._

 

 

" _Ryan_?"

Brendon should feel furious. He should have punched this man in front of him for even daring to return without sudden notice. He should be making this asshole leave. This man left him, he should let him stay out of his life for good. He should be doing it.

But he doesn't. Because his feet take him away from everything that reminds him of what should be his, but flew from his grasp.

"Brendon!"

He can hear Dallon's voice calling for him, and the last thing Brendon wanted to have is to have a talk with Ryan, with Dallon already involved. He doesn't need to get involved with this. He doesn't want to see Dallon's look of pity for him when he realizes just how pathetic he is.

He keeps walking, tuning out the distressing calls from Dallon. He'd rather have his feet take him away from everything.

Just when he thought he could escape, and hand latches on to his arm, stopping him from his stride and turns him around.

"Brendon, _Brendon_. Look at me."

He wanted to struggle against Dallon's hold and just run away, but not when Dallon sounded so distraught that he planned on running away.

Brendon looked up at Dallon, his eyes are full of concern and worry. Misty-gray's are for him, and him alone.

The taller man puts a hand on his cheek. His other hand loosening his grip on Brendon's arm.

"Brendon, I want you to breathe. You're hyperventilating."

He _is_ hyperventilating. He's done it again and embarrassed himself. The last time it happened, it was terrible. He could barely breathe and get some air in his lungs. Spencer is usually the one to know what to do, and how to calm him down.

But he's not there anymore to do that.

"You can do it, Brendon." Dallon urges him gently, as he ended up closer in Brendon's space than he realized. Dallon leans down as he rest his forehead against Brendon's.

It was like sharing one breath as Dallon breathes in and out, with Brendon trying to follow the rhythm of his breathing.

It wasn't suppose to be this intimate. With Spencer, it's usually giving Brendon directions to follow breathing. It was never this close, this connected, this intimate to be sharing one breath with someone. Skin against skin, warmth against warmth. He never knew anyone would be willing to share, or willing to give him a part of themselves just so he could function properly.

Dallon Weekes was never a greedy man.

"You okay now?" Dallon asked softly, his eyes are closed and still continues to breathe in rhythm. The rise and fall of his chest could not compare how fast his heart is beating.

It was not out of fear, but it was reminiscent to the scene of the lone lamp that lights outside of the hotel gardens of Chicago, with two men sitting on an park bench in the cold night. Small flakes of snow fall upon them as they both gaze beyond.

If the other man looked for stars, Brendon found someone incomparable to the stars above.

His heart steadies, his breathing calms. And as Brendon nods and looks at the man in front of him, he knows he's the person who could fill that gap that has been missing for years.

"I'm okay." He answers truthfully, a little smile gracing his lips.

"I'm okay now."

 

 

_He has yet to step on stage, yet the crowd behind this barrier between them screams for his band. Screams for **him**._

_Brendon could feel the anxiety starting to kick in. His breathing starts to become shallow, and he fears he might--_

_A pat on his shoulder stops him from his thoughts as Dallon passed his by, walking towards the stage._

_"Let's show them what we've got, Brendon!" Dallon calls out to him, giving him a reassure smile before going to the stage. People starts to cheer on Dallon's appearance._

_Spencer is there, and Dallon's there. He's not alone up there. He'll be great. He'll impress the masses. That's his job._

_With a shook of his head, the stretch of his arms and crack of his fingers, he steps towards the stage. His head held up high, giving them his best blinding smile._

 

 

"Are you sure you want to do this, Brendon?"

No. He doesn't want to, actually.

But he feels braver, in each second Dallon held his hand while they walked to the dressing room. 

"Yeah, it's been a long time. I think we need to talk." He told Dallon, whose eyes are still filled with concern that it makes him smile. 

They both reach the dressing room, their hands are still connected. Brendon gives a reassuring squeeze at the other's hand before letting go. While the loss of contact is disappointing, it was okay. 

The warmth of Dallon's hand gave him courage to face this. And maybe after all of these, he'd be able to hold his hand again without faking, and without fear.

It won't happen today, but it will. One day.

"You should go with the others, Dal."

Dallon shook his head, then sits on the floor. "Nah. I have nothing better to do, anyway. I'll just sit here for a while."

It's Dallon's excuse just so he could look out for Brendon. He's not a kid that someone needs to look out for, but it doesn't really annoy him. It's a relief to have Dallon close, actually. That's why he doesn't call on it. 

"Thanks, Dallon. For everything."

The look of surprise in the other man's face already tells how much the man doesn't get praised often. Especially from Brendon. So when Brendon receives a genuine, bright smile from the taller man, he just knows he needed to change that now.

"I'm going in." Brendon says, rather to himself than to Dallon. The other man responded with a nod, and it prompts him to turn the knob and go inside.

 

 

_**"Mean 'ol Moon, it must be fun"** _

_**To shine upon me while I come undone** _

_**Till I'm all alone beneath the sun** _

_**You Mean 'ol Moon"** _

_It wasn't Brendon's intention to find Dallon singing in the middle of the night. He couldn't sleep, so he decided to have a smoke. Just when he thought he was going to be alone at the balcony, Dallon was there, looking up at the moon._

**_"With your beam, you led the way_ **

**_And found me love I thought was here to stay_ **

**_Until when you took my love away_ **

**_You Mean 'ol Moon."_ **

_His voice sounded so raw. It's as if he's waiting for the wind to carry out his song to anyone who would bother to listen. It sounded heartbreaking but beautiful at the same time._

**_"Oh you mean 'ol stars above_ **

**_The games that you played with me_ **

**_I could find some happiness_ **

**_If all my nights were cloudy"_ **

_Brendon could feel a tug on his chest. The words sound exactly like everything he wanted his heart to shout but couldn't, because he knows no one is willing to listen._

**_Mean 'Ol Moon_ **

**_I hope it's true_ **

**_You've taken all the light that's left in you_ **

**_And saving it up for you know who_ **

_But the moon above would probably be willing to hear what his heart failed to say. Just like Dallon's._

**_You Mean 'ol Moon_ **

_Hey moon, please forget to fall down._

**_You Mean 'ol Moon_ **

_Hey moon, don't you fall down._

 

 

Years have changed the both of them. Brendon can see that it's not just their appearance that changed. It's the way both men carried themselves. Leather jackets and a change of hair style seemed to have changed Ryan.

Ryan carries that air of confidence that he didn't use to have. It's part of a person's growth, perhaps. To have that change means a person has moved on from something that has been clinging inside them.

Good for him.

"You look well." Ryan notes, giving him a once over.  It should have sounded insulting, as if he was expecting Brendon to be still ruined over their separation. Over him.

Brendon doesn't answer instead. And just stares at the man in front of him.

"It's _him_ , isn't it?"

The _him_ in question is the one right outside of this room. He meant Dallon.

"What about _him_?" Brendon challenges, sending a glare at the other boy. He is feeling a flare protectiveness over someone who is obviously physically taller and older than him. 

Ryan raises his hands in defense. "Woah. I'm not gonna hurt him or anything."

"Then _what_?"

Ryan pushes himself off the wall that he leaned on and sat on the couch that was facing Brendon.

"I just think he's good for you." Ryan says earnestly, giving him a smile. "You look happier than before."

The words ' _happier than I was here'_ were unspoken but Brendon doesn't need to hear it. Just by looking at Ryan's face speaks louder than any phrase.

"You've started a band with Jon, right?"

Ryan nods, but that's all he got. He was expecting a full on story of how successful his own band is without him. 

"Did you find what you were looking for?" Brendon asked, gauging Ryan's expressions.

The brunette shook his head, then turns to look at Brendon. "What I was looking for was already in front of me." 

It took Brendon a moment before he realized what Ryan meant.

"You mean... You want to return to band?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't updated this fic in MONTHS! FINALLY! (Chapter 1-4 are basically my baby writing days back when I just started fanfic writing hahahaha)
> 
> AND PANIC! AT THE DISCO IS COMING BACK TO THE PHILIPPINES AFTER 8 YEAR OH MY GOD AHHHHH AND IM GONNA WATCH THEM I CREI 
> 
> And I have his insane urge to smash Bren's forehead into a wall and see if the wall breaks I'm so frustrated with that man right now and it's not a good way I swear I'm sorry brendon fans 
> 
> Anyway, sorry for the mistakes and have a great day!!
> 
> *p.s. listen to Dallon's version of 'Mean 'Ol Moon it's heartbreaking I swear (and that he might have change the lyrics a bit hahaha)


	6. Chapter 6

_"You brought me here! You made me sing in this goddamn band and now you decided to leave? Just like that?"_

_It's unfair. It's unfair. Brendon had no intention of singing for the band when he first started. Ryan brought him to something he never thought he had. They made it so far that the opportunities are so vast and exciting._

_Brendon thought they could see it all. Together. As one band._

_They're not suppose to leave. They're not suppose to bring him on the top of the highest peak just to leave him hanging. It's not..._

_"I'm sorry, Brendon." Ryan had the audacity of looking guilty. "We just want different things. You wanted that genre for music, I wanted this. If this keeps up, we can't make it work."_

_Brendon scoffs. "You didn't even bother to see if it would work. How would you know that it won't work?"_

_Ryan leans his back against the wall, distancing himself from Brendon. His eyes turn to the window beside him with a look of conflict in his eyes, but resignation in his expression._

_"Because you're better than me." Ryan admits, his gaze never leaving the scenic view of the city streets. "And it makes me insecure that you're better than me. And I hate--"_

_"You hate me for it."_

_"No! That's not what I mean, Brendon!"_

_So, that's how it is. "You wouldn't be leaving me if you don't have any ounce of hatred, Ryan!"_

_Brendon couldn't bare to control his feelings. His hands are clenched tight in to a fist, his body vibrating with emotions that threaten to spill over and laid itself bare in front of this man who told him they'll be reaching the stars together._

_You can't reach stars. You can't even hold a star for it to burn you._

_That's when everything falls. He breaks down the unshed tears that didn't fall when he first heard of Ryan's plan to leave. And after this night, he and Jon will be announcing their departure. Ryan doesn't look at him, doesn't even say a word as he leaves Brendon with his heart cracking in to tiny specs._

_Stars shine bright and beautiful at night._

_But everyone knows that even stars fall from the midnight skies._

*

"You wanted to return our band?"

Our band. Panic! At The Disco started with them. Brendon thought about it for years. What would it be like to have this again? How different it would be now that they've changed. 

"You don't have to if you don't want to, Brendon." Ryan shrugs, as if the suggestion wasn't such a big thing to declare after years of their absence. "Remember our... talk, before we announced that we're leaving?"

Of course, Brendon remembers. How can he not, when it's the one thing that haunts him from the darkest corners of his thoughts?

"I never hated you, you know? I hated myself for feeling insecure. You're brilliant in your own way, Bren." Brendon did realize that. After their little talk, and Brendon got a chance to clear his mind, he realized how small misunderstandings ruined them and their relationship. 

"You're pretty good on your own way too, Ryan. You know that." Brendon means it. He's the brains of this band. The brunette is the idea, and he executes the thought. They made a pretty good team.

Ryan smiles ruefully at that. "I wish people thought that too when they heard my own band."

He doesn't know what to say to that. 

There's really nothing to say about that. It's a wound that resides in the ever beating heart of Ryan. It's not words that could heal those wounds. And it's certainly not his own words.

"I'm sorry if I left you, Brendon. I know it must have been a shock for you to leave you hanging like that. I know a simple apology isn't enough to make it up for what you went through. But I still wanted you to know how sorry I am." Ryan's voice was almost quiet, toned in a whisper as if he doesn't want anyone to hear.

Brendon opens his mouth to respond but Ryan doesn't let him as he continues. "But I don't regret my decision, you know? Because we both grew up to where we want to be." Ryan turns to stare at Brendon in the eyes to convey the sincerity of his words. "I'm proud of you, Bren."

Do you ever get that feeling where that heavy weight that you carry on your chest gets lifted after years of pain that it gave you? It felt like something was healing. The scars are still there, but it doesn't remind you of the pain anymore. It only reminds you of the battles that you've fought, the battles you've struggled and the battles that you survived. 

For years, Brendon thought he will never get that feeling. But after Ryan's talk, he couldn't get vindictive towards the other man. Sure, he was really angry at him. He wanted to shove his success into this brunette's face and see what he left behind. But after his words, Brendon couldn't do it.

He feels like the young and innocent Brendon Urie who has big dreams and hopes for the future. 

Taking a step off from the platform of the past might not be such a bad thing now.

"Thank you, Ryan." And he means it. 

With whatever issue they had, they still have a lot of things to fix. But it'll be okay, one day. He'll make sure of it. They will make sure of it.

Brendon can hear a familiar soft voice, giving him a reminder: _"Forgive. Forgive others, and most importantly, forgive yourself."_

He smiles at Ryan, and Ryan returns the gesture. It'll take a long time, rebuilding the broken foundation of their relationship. But they can fix. He knows they can.

*

_"This isn't forever, you know?"  Dan says wistfully, as they watch the crowd disperse from the concert hall._

_They don't know that he could hear them, but he doesn't make it known. It's a bad habit to eavesdrop on these two again but there's always something new he learns about them._

_"I know, Dan." Dallon responds, giving the same wistful tone as Dan did. "I just, wanna savor it while I have it."_

_Brendon doesn't see them, since they're just behind the stage. But he can hear them, despite the loud chatter of the dispersing crowd. Are they disappointed that Brendon couldn't give them a full commitment with the band?_

_"What if his band mates return one day? What are your plans, Dallon?"_

_Dallon hums in thought about the question. "I'm gonna return to my band, and handle my music. But I doubt I could start again soon since my old band mates are committed to a band of their own now."_

_There's a laugh from Dan, and then he asked: "Mind if Kenny and I join you?"_

_"You're joking, right? I'm sure you and Kenny can find a better band than I have, buddy." Dallon chimes amusedly, letting out a soft chuckle._

_It was quiet for a moment before Dan responds again. "You're better than you think you are, you know? Even Kenny would testify to that. Brendon owns this band, but we don't belong here. It's like... having a house but you know it's not your home." Dan said sternly, as if he thought about it a long time ago._

_Strangely enough, Brendon can imagine them together. The idea makes him wonder if they'd feel any animosity towards him if they leave. Ian called his band a sellout and left. What would they call his band now once they go?_

_"I know. This will never be permanent, but..." Dallon trails off, which makes Brendon hold his breath, waiting for the bassist's response. "I'll stay as long as he needs me."_

_He hears Dan let out a laugh, the tone of his voice was at a disbelief when he said: "You have patience of a saint, man."_

_"Years of being a practicing Mormon is a great experience. You should try it." Dallon jokes, which makes Dan's laughter double at the bassist's sass._

_That's when Brendon left from their chatter. He walks a brisk pace, trying to calm the fast beating of his heart._

_**"I'll stay as long as he needs me."**  _

_'How long will that take?'--he wonders. In an unforseen future, Brendon will make a choice one day. He's scared of the circumstance that the choice may entail. As long as he doesn't get to make that choice now, there's still time to think about it._

_He can think about it._

*

That talk with Ryan left him emotionally drained. It was a strenuous discussion, but it seemed to have ended a bit better than he expected. It also left him remembering Dan and Dallon's talk from a past concert.

Is it time for him to think about the issue?

After talking with Ryan, he realized Dallon wasn't sitting on the floor of the hallway anymore when they left. He couldn't blame the bassist for leaving, but he's thankful at the man's provided comfort. It might have turned out a lot worse if he wasn't there with him.

"Dallon?" He called out as he rounded the corner towards the lounge where the others are.

"What's up, Bren?" Kenny responded, playing his guitar as Dan sat on a couch, playing a game on his phone.

"Where's Dallon?"

His tour mates halt their business to give him an unreadable look. Kenny and Dan look at each other with concern, before turning to Brendon. They both look hesitant about something, before Dan took the step to speak up.

"He was in a hurry. He just had... something to do." The drummer looks unsure. There was something suspicious about it.

"We didn't ask what it was." Kenneth interjects before Brendon spoke. "It wasn't our business, after all. Whatever it is he's..." Kenny trails off, before clamming his mouth shut. That concludes the discussion that they had no more to say.

Brendon really wanted to know more, because both Kenny and Dan are acting so suspicious on whatever Dallon is doing. But he nods instead, out of respect for the older man's plans.

He makes a stride, making his way outside to take a smoke to calm his nerves. If he could escape his thoughts, he would. But it seems his brain is a relentless thing that gives him an influx of thoughts stacking itself together.

Ryan's offer, The band, Dallon. The first two thoughts aren't that hard to solve from someone else's opinion. Bring back the band together, Kenny, Dan and Dallon can find their own thing that they always wanted, and then it'll be fine. Problem solved.

Now, the last thought is what could potentially ruin the solution of the first two.

' _Dallon_.' God, if human feelings aren't complex enough. They make you ruin your plans too.

The problem is... he has feelings for the bassist. Scratch that--Dallon, is the the type of person who isn't hard to fall in love with. Each time he notes something about the taller man, it's making him insane how he notices such little details of his eyes crinkling with mirth at a joke, or how his long calloused hands provide a comforting warmth as his hand lands on his shoulder with a pat of support. His soft, gentle voice makes him want to wrap himself around it and protect him from the hurt. It's those simplest things that makes Brendon's thoughts conflicted.

Why can't he decide what he truly wants?

It's because he's selfish.

It's no wonder, that Ryan left him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this didn't seem that good but heck for progress sake, I'm posting this next one.
> 
> I hope you guys have a great day!
> 
> I SAW PANIC YESTERDAY AND IT WAS JUST AMAZEBALLS.
> 
> I LOVE DALLON SO MUCH. AND I GOT TO TALK TO KENNY HE'S NICE OK I'M DONE


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